One of the things I’ve tried to do this year while I’ve been dealing with my kidless circumstances is look for upsides to the whole thing. Silver linings. Little good things that might help make the big bad thing feel a little less suffocating.
Right now, I’m on vacation in Orlando. I kind of hate the weather in Orlando, but I do love both food and Harry Potter, and so this week my mom and I are here for both the Harry Potter experience at Universal (I got to have some Toad in the Hole and butterbeer for lunch yesterday at the Leaky Cauldron, and yes, it was just as charming as it sounds) and for the Epcot Food & Wine Festival. Walking around the theme park yesterday, there was a distinct lack of people. No ride had a line longer than 20 minutes. We could just wander up to something and do it.
The reason? It’s the last week of September, and no schools anywhere are off for vacation. It’s the “low season” for tons of tourist attractions, so I can have my pick of cheap flights, good hotel rooms, and 2-for-1 packages. I’ve been enjoying the pick of vacation deals for years now! May is another great time to travel - kids are ramping up to final exams and the beaches are nearly empty. Want to have some fun in the sun for a steal? Try early February in Cancun! With no school calendars to deal with and only myself to pay for, travel is easy and flexible, and my waiting-in-line time is nearly nothing.
There’s a list that runs through my head of things that are easier without kids. On top of travel, It includes: taking the subway, eating at pricey restaurants, sleeping in, cleaning my apartment, cursing loudly when I stub my toe, making last-minute plans for a drink after work.
It also includes spending money on things when I shouldn’t. I have a fair bit of debt racked up from a combination of non-profit salary, student loans, and crappy spending habits. A few years ago, I made up a personal austerity plan to get out of credit card debt so that I would feel more secure having kids on my own - no new clothes for a while, no big vacations, no fancy dinners and expensive theater tickets. I needed that space on my credit card for donor banks and fertility clinics (both not covered by my insurance).
Now that I’ve made the decision not to get pregnant, my debt-reduction plan has gone mostly out the window. Who cares if I’m in debt, when the only person it’s hurting is me?
Jody Day, one of the ladies from my book recommendations post, talks about how she nearly decided to accept a very dangerous job in Afghanistan. She wasn’t worried about the danger to herself because she was a kidless single woman. If she died, she thought, what would it matter? That might sound insane, but I will tell you that I’ve had the same thoughts. I’ve wondered if I should ditch my NYC life for a job with a lot more travel and a bit more danger. I don’t have kids to worry about, or a spouse. What if I just jumped into something crazy?
I honestly don’t know if that line of thought an upside or not. I don’t know if I want to do crazy things because I want to, or just because I can. I don’t know if I actually feel like my life would have more worth if I joined an NGO and moved to Cameroon, or if I’m just trying to do something, anything, that gives my kidless single life some deeper meaning.
The upsides to a kidless life are not hard to find. But the scale seems to be eternally tipped toward kids so that no matter how many upsides I pile on the other side, it never feels quite even. It always feels like the upsides are a consolation prize.
But don’t get me wrong - if I can’t have the kid, I’ll take the short lines.
I am married now and we decided not to have kids of our own. We are foster parents and have a ton of kids now. We have mostly had teenage boys, now young men in their 20s. I decided I just do not do diapers. Just a different route you can take if you want the kids still. Yes, they are temporary in many cases. We are still involved in most of their lives even as adults. We are going to be grandparents at the ripe old ages of 38 and 41 in about 5 months! I am not sure about NYC, but in CT, the stipend covers pretty much all of their expenses and they have medical/dental insurance provided.
ReplyDeleteWe sometimes wish we had the freedom we did before we started fostering 11+ years ago. Our boys are so worth it though.
Barb
Hello old friend! I was actually about halfway through the process of certification for fostering when my living situation changed and my extra bedroom (which is required to foster a kid over four, for obvious reasons) was no longer extra. I am glad, though, because I think I wasn't ready yet. I need to get through all this sadness about babies before I can turn my full attention to a kid who really needs it. But yes! I anticipate my living situation will change again in 2-3 years, and I'll (I hope) be ready to get back on that train. And will 100% hit you up for advice when that time comes.
Delete"I’ve wondered if I should ditch my NYC life for a job with a lot more travel and a bit more danger. I don’t have kids to worry about, or a spouse. What if I just jumped into something crazy?"
ReplyDeleteAnd what would that look like!? #curious
(whoa that is barb hi barb)
ReplyDeleteI think you actually should do some random shit. Not only for its own sake, but also (ALTHOUGH I TOTALLY ACCEPT YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR CURRENT SITUATION) because I think if you get out of NYC, and/or out of the Northeast, a lot of doors will open that look closed right now. I do hear the "single motherhood is not for me" thing, I really, really do, but if you lived in my current city, for example, you might just be, like, why the hell not? I would counsel doing the random shit in London or somewhere fun, not in Omaha, but it's the fresh air, that's the thing. If you were 58, I'd be like, yes, stay in place and consider fostering, but no. Branch out and see what happens. With your particular CV, I would just do a national job search, places that have your kind of employer, see where the offer comes.
Just make sure you sublet that apartment for as long as you can. Seriously, I would take it over upon my return.
I myself, though I know I have a different take on single parenting than you do, have had the thought cross my mind since my domestic situation changed. In general, I have always had it in the back of my head that I would just go back to my hometown if I found myself accidentally pregnant or decided to adopt/IVF/whatever. Since this is not a big life goal for me the way it is for you, I don't think a lot about it, but the thought is there, for sure. But in this more affordable, more family-oriented place, sure, I could see 3/4 time + onsite childcare.
What's more, not everyone looks like a model here. Part of this is because our infrastructure is fucked up in this country, so people have no damn chance to walk to the store or "actively commute" even if they wanted to, but also, this is not a world capital of fashion, so you see a bigger range of weight, fashion, income, attractiveness, etc.
I'm not saying execute the college town plan right away...I would in any case suggest college city over college town...just get out of NYC, that's all.
Also? Girlfriend of mine who, yes, is married with a kid? They paid cash for their 2-story house, which, yes, cost $30,000 (thirty thousand dollars).
ReplyDeleteThat is amazing and awful at the same time. Maybe a midwest move is something I should more seriously consider...
DeleteStill not sure if I can do single parenting of a baby on my own, just emotionally, but you're right about different (cheaper) places maybe opening up some doors. That is, as long as I can relocate and keep my salary in about the same range...
Also, what's more, I mean, this is bread-and-butter shrink stuff, so they've probably already mentioned it. But it's true. Even if you went to an expensive place, DC, Boston, London, SF, you would lose your role as the eternally single fat person. You would just be random fat person new in town, possibly with a storied past. We all do it to each other, like, even your actual friends do it to you, so there's that change of scene. Out here, for example, there is ZERO understanding of Orthodoxy. People are unable to ID me as poor-excuse-for-Orthodox person, it doesn't compute. So my moderate Clinton-Democrat equal-pay-for-equal-work views have landed me in the militant feminist role, by local standards. I know that people have issues with fatness everywhere. But still.
ReplyDelete